So badly that I wanna cry.
I weighed myself this morning and I did lose a total of 5 pounds this week! That means I’ve lost a total of 10 pounds in just the few weeks I’ve been doing this. Which feels so good!
I’ve been keeping really busy. That’s why I wasn’t here at all yesterday. I am sooo close to being completely finished with my apartment. The living room and kitchen are all done and honestly, it’s never looked better. And last night I was so tired, I went to sleep easily with my muscles aching. It felt good.
Today I am doing my laundry over at my parents so I will be hanging out over there today. I haven’t seen them all week and we’re really close so I miss them.
I’ll go through my dashboard tonight and get all caught up with you guys!
Hope everyone has a great day!
I was a little upset recently because my only gauge that I was losing inches (besides measuring lol) was watching vainly as my stomach has started to disappear. I’ve had my gut since I first got into this mess. I just wanted it to go away.
And it occurred to me that I looked in the mirror and didn’t see it moving this week. Cue depression and melodramatics.
Well… yesterday my mom was staring at me kind of hard like she was like inspecting me.
She told me that she could notice the weight loss in my arms, legs, and the rest of my over all body, not just my stomach.
And when I went over my boyfriend’s house he said to me, “You’re losing so much weight…” as he went on to poke and prod at the areas he noticed it at.
So I guess it wasn’t a bad thing, my body just kind of decided some fat from elsewhere needed to be gone too. I can drink to that!!! …. Some water anyway lol.
The Claim: Your Stomach Shrinks When You Eat LessI’ve given up my bad eating habits. Before I would eat whatever I wanted, I never looked at nutritional facts. And I would eat when I wasn’t even hungry. Now I pay attention to everything and I eat a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables. I hardly ever drink pop anymore and when I do, it’s diet, I pretty much only drink water or at least Crystal Light.
Even though it’s hard sometimes, I’m fine with the things I’ve given up, it’ll be completely worth it in the end.
but I still don’t base my self worth on a number from a scale, and I pity those girls who do.
Starting Weight: 150
Goal Weight: 120 by December 31 2011.
How i plan on doing it: Dancing, walking, jogging, Breastfeeding, Dieting, eating less fast food, drinking more water, exercising.
Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
I don’t believe in diets because they have the word “die” in it. I believe in changing my lifestyle by having healthy eating habits and working out.
Self-control. It’s just two words. Two little words stuck together, forever, with a hyphen. Self-control. Three syllables. Three vowels. A five word definition:
The ability to control oneself.
I need better self-control. Leave me alone in my house for longer than an hour and I’m munching on everything. A perpetual snacker. A perfect day of eating the healthiest food, taking in the right number of calories, doing a proper amount of exercise can be spoiled so easily with one measly breach of self-control. An entire day of making myself better is thrown away.
Only it never feels like one day. It feels like an entire week comes crashing down. As if those few minutes when I’ve thrown caution and self-control to the wind have ruined my entire life. And, after a few minutes, I close the bag of chips, or stop chewing on a brownie mid-chew, and think, fuck.
A classy word, I know, but it’s true. It’s instant regret. It’s instant shame. It’s instant self-loathing. Instant self-deprecation. Fuck.
Today I’ve been good. Today I’ve eaten exactly what I was planning to eat. No surprise snacks. No rifling through kitchen cabinets or the fridge. I’ve been good. I feel good. Proud, even. But one craving at the right moment could bring me down.
Self-control.
Such a simple word, but it’s the key to everything.
I cant remember the last time I was even “able” to binge. I honestly don’t even know what its like to eat a normal serving for a real meal anymore. I am constantly poking at my food, and then just getting so nervous I can’t even eat half of it.
What stage of this ED am I at when I don’t binge anymore, because the idea of losing that level of control makes me shake just thinking about it. What’s sad is I WANT to eat a home cooked meal of my moms. I want to be able to eat an entire chicken breast and some healthy corn and not go on an emotional rollar coaster. But I can’t. I can’t eat it all, because my mind just tells me I’m fat, that that means I’m failing, and that I’ll never be pretty if I don’t contain myself and have some control.
My mind keeps screaming fat fat fat, and failure whenever I eat anything. Today I got some yogurt, and I could only eat half of it because I honestly felt like I was instantly gaining weight.
I don’t like this feeling, and feel trapped with these voices in my head. Maybe when I reach a lower weight, then I’ll stop. But i just cant.
